Rebellious Much?

In my experiences as a mother I've realized so many things about myself.  As I watch my daughter grow, learn and explore her little world I am constantly enlightened by her.  She'll do something and I find myself going, gosh...I do that!   The most recent development in Isabel's personality is rebellion.  She certainly is testing her limits and boundaries.

If I say, "Isabel, those bees go OUCH.  Don't touch."

What does Isabel do?  She gets closer to the bees yells, "BEE" and frantically tries to grab one of them before I can reach her and pull her away.

If I say, "Isabel, we walk on the sidewalk not the street."

Isabel is looks at me with a mischievous look in her eye and  before I know it she turns and makes a beeline for the street then giggles as I run to grab her just before she hits the asphalt.

Also? She's learned the word ow-ee (among many others, she's become quite the motor mouth) she knows what it means and if she falls she'll say ow or ow-ee.  So why is this significant?  Because when she gets angry or frustrated she'll scratch or hit my face while yelling OW-WEE.  She's still really little so it doesn't hurt but man, where did she learn this aggression?!?

Isabel is definitely becoming her own little person with her own BIG personality.  Her independent ways and little bouts of rebellion have made me reflect on my own rebellious heart.  If I were to be honest with myself I would say that my urges to be rebellious are among my biggest flaws.  My husband points out the fact that If I have something that I HAVE to get done these are the times when I am most aggressive to spend time with him.  I totally recognize it now but for years I've put things off not in a spirit of procrastination but seriously? I think it's because I need to have some control or something so I rebel and think, I'm not gonna do that because I'm just not.  Dumb huh?!?

My most recent rebellion comes on the heals of another disappointment.

Maybe this is TMI for a blog but sharing through writing heals me.  So forgive me if I share too much.

Dave and I want a big huge family.  We both feel that it is our mission here on Earth to raise wonderful children.  We both feel so incredibly blessed to have Isabel, even if she is a little stinker sometimes. :)  But, we've been working on another addition to our family.  We've run into a little bump in the road and just experienced our third miscarriage this year.  This time around wasn't so bad, I was only 4 weeks and had only known for a few days.  But, any loss is a loss I feel.  I think the worst part for me is that when I see that little pink line on the pregnancy test telling me that I'm growing a new baby I feel dread instead of excitement.  This time around I didn't allow myself to think about having an actual baby in 9 months.  Instead I waited for a miscarriage.  And when the miscarriage happened I wasn't surprised.  I wasn't devastated, just a little worn down.  Because seriously, if we never have another child of our own we'll still be the most blessed people ever because we get to be Isabel's parents!  We can still raise a big huge family and wonderful children it just may come in a different form than we had intended.  We can certainly adopt and then there are foster children who need good loving homes.  Whatever God has in store for us, that is what we'll do.  I know this now, but for a minute I was a little bitter and rebellious.

My bed time routine consists of brushing teeth, brushing retainers, and then taking a prenatal vitamin.  If I don't take my vitamin at night then I'm done for, I'll never remember.  But you know what I did?  I eyed the prenatal vitamin bottle and thought to myself, "Well if I can't have a healthy pregnancy then I'm not gonna take my vitamin" and I didn't.  Then the next day when I was a little tired I decided to have a soda WITH caffeine.  Okay, yeah my rebellion consists of skipping a night of vitamins and drinking a soda with caffeine in it, but rebellion nonetheless.  Even if my moment of weakness led me to do things that are pretty inconsequential I still feel ashamed for the attitude that was behind it.  The little spoiled child inside me that says well if I can't have what I want then I'm going to throw a fit about it. Instead I want to experience life with an attitude of gratitude because every day is truly a gift.  And I'm so thankful for this experience that we call life where I can realize these little things and work through them.  Where my loving savior has made it possible for me to become perfected through him.  Where because of the atonement I'm able to have my little fits and then repent and realize my weaknesses and truly progress towards godliness.

So, among all the other things I'm working on in regards to myself I'll add giving up rebellion.  It's going to seriously be so hard for me and I just know I'm not always going to succeed but, one battle at a time I know I'll get better at living with an attitude of gratitude.  :)

What more can I ask for than these sweet sweet smiling faces, the oodles of giggles that surround me every day and my wonderful husband who picks me up when I feel like I can't stand?  Thank you Heavenly Father for the joy that you put into my life!