Currently Isabel: 5 Months

Dear Isabel,

You are seriously amazing!  You have been sleeping through the night in your very own crib in your very own room for almost a week now.  It only took one night of crying yourself to sleep before you learned how to get to sleep on your own and stay that way ALL NIGHT LONG!!  Mommy is still waking up several times to make sure you are still breathing because you INSIST on sleeping on your tummy.  And, let's just admit, your mommy is a wee bit crazy.

You've been sitting up on your own for a little over a month now and you refuse to lean back when we're sitting down together.  You're just too big to be bothered with "supported sitting".

You LOVE the grass and being outside in general.  We try to make it to the weekly play date at the park where you smile and talk to all the moms and definitely all the other babies.

You are quite the social butterfly.  You love to interact with other babies especially your friend Braxton.  Daddy doesn't know how he feels about you having a boy as a best friend, but he better get used to it because there are so many boys vying for your attention already...Hudson, Braxton, Logan, Adam. ;)

You like to stand with a little help too...you're getting SO strong!

You absolutely LOVE your Daddy.  You talk to him unlike you talk to anyone else.  When he comes home from work you get all excited and kick your legs and smile big for him.  He is a pretty great Daddy and you two playing together is one of my favorite things in the world to see.

This is you talking to your Daddy.

You love to read books even the "boy" books.  You start making all these cute noises when a book comes out.  Mommy loves to see the wonder in your eyes when you are looking at something new.

You've also recently discovered food.  You scream if Mommy or Daddy don't immediately let you try what we're eating.  One of your favorites is Oatmeal cookies.  You also demand that whatever drink is in the area be shared with you too.  You do make it a little difficult to allow you to drink out of cups because you grab on to them with a death grip and freak out if anyone has the audacity to take it away.

You're getting more and more personality each and every day and your Daddy and I feel so incredibly blessed that you chose us to be your parents.  We love you little girl!  Keep on growing!

Love,
Mommy

OMG - Oh My Girls!!!!

I have never been the girl who has tons of girlfriends.  I have always been the girl who has no friends and who sincerely believes everyone hates her.  I always told myself that it was okay because I just don't like girls.  They're petty, drama-filled, and usually just dumb.  But, I'll let you in on a little secret...girls are fabulous!

Ever since I became a mom I suddenly have all these amazing friends.  We disguise our girl time with names like, "play dates" and "kiddo time".  Hah!  These get togethers are seriously food for my soul.  I feel like a normal human being again when I get to hang out with these amazing women.  I've found out so many wonderful things about each and every one of them...

Elise isn't just a pretty face, she's genuine, loving, caring...etc. 

Robyn isn't just a perfect little Mom and momo with the perfect little child...she's fascinating, hilarious, and so giving. 

Abby isn't just that spunky little blonde gymnast, she's a workhorse, loving, and generous. 

Angie isn't just this sweet little lady.  She's got some fire going on and she is so amazing with her THREE incredibly energetic little boys. 

Nicole isn't just this annoyingly fit gorgeous girl that lives next door who I envy because she has the motivation to run. every. day!  She's amazing.  Hilarious, hard working and my girly soul mate and it only took 4 years of living next door to realize this.

Sorry for mentioning names ladies, but you are all seriously, truly amazing!  I LOVE that we can share our struggles and triumphs.  I LOVE that our kids get to become amazing friends while we also share in the blessing of motherhood.  I can't even explain the gratitude that I have for each and every one of you for sharing your lives with me.  I am forever grateful to you for including me even though I didn't make myself readily available for the friendships.

Most of all I just Love you ladies!

The Conversation

Pertinent  Background Information

Have you ever really wanted to talk about something with someone but were too afraid to broach the subject?

Well, This. Is. Me.

Confrontation is something that I do not do well at all.

Sadly, this fear that I have overflows into my relationships in a negative way.  I find myself holding things in until, like the last drop in an overly full cup of water, everything just overflows.  I break down, which usually entails crying and sometimes includes unintelligible squawking at whomever finds themselves unlucky enough to have contributed that last tiny drop to my overly full cup.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of voicing my thoughts.  I don't think that it will cause people to shun me from their lives.  Or maybe, subconsciously, I do and therefor hold it all in.  Anyway, this habit of mine had been eating away at me and finally I could no longer hold in my feelings.  Hence, the dreaded, "Conversation".

Poor Dave, he never sees it coming.  Before he knows it, his wife unleashes at least a couple months of crazy on him, all in one night.  I'm amazed at how smoothly he maneuvers through those stormy waters.  Let's just say, I'm a lucky girl.

The Lead up to "The Conversation"

If you ask Dave what his purpose is here on Earth, he'll promptly tell you that it's to raise a family.  If you then proceed to ask how many kids he sees in his future he'll also promptly tell you, eight.  That's right, eight.  We've discussed this number in detail and he's expressed understanding in that I'm the one who has to carry these children, and give birth, and all that entails being a mother.  He has graciously conceded the decision of number to me.  But, being a loving wife I want to do all in my power to make sure that my husband feels fulfilled and satisfied.  That being said, I know that my husband can't be fulfilled and satisfied if his wife is a mess because there are too many kids running around. :)


Before we had kids I thought, "yeah, eight kids is a lot.  But, I'll be a stay-at-home mom.  It'll be no big deal."

Then I had Isabel.

She is amazing.  She has changed my life for the better in so many ways.  I cannot imagine going one day without seeing her sweet little face.  She's also so. much. work! and mommy guilt is so all encompassing.  It seems that I can never do enough to satiate this incessant nagging voice in my head.  The day comes to an end and my mind is filled with thoughts like: I didn't read enough to her today, shoot...I didn't do enough tummy time with her today, I don't feel like I played with her enough, does she know I love her, I shouldn't have gotten frustrated when she woke up for the third time in the night, I really should be doing more to make sure that she is stimulated enough, I should find a way to get her to take naps in a location other than her swing...etc.  I finally come to the resolve that I will just have to do better tomorrow, since it is a new day.  But, then I find myself right back in the same train of thought as the previous night.  I did spend more time with Isabel, but now I have no clean diapers to put on her and all her jammies are in the dirty clothes, and Dave doesn't have clean socks or work pants, and the dishes aren't done and the furniture is so dusty that Dave can write, "Dust Me" on them.  :)

It. Is. Exhausting.

All this "mommy guilt" led me to start up a conversation with Dave and it went a little something like this:

Me: "Honey, I don't think I can handle a bunch of kids"

Dave: "Babe, I KNOW you can handle a bunch of kids, you're a great mom"

Me: "But honey, I'm really overwhelmed"

"You don't seem overwhelmed"

"Okay...but I'm telling you I'm overwhelmed.  I never have enough time to do all the things I would like to do.  If I spend enough time with Isabel, to feel like I'm being a good mom, then I don't get the house clean or really anything else done.  If I get stuff done then I feel like I'm being a bad mom.  I feel like I don't have a moment to myself"

Dave: "You need to give yourself a break.  You work really hard, you are a great mom.  You can't do everything and even though our house isn't as clean as I would like it to be if we had visitors come stay, it's clean enough. and I feel like you're the best mom and wife that I could have ever asked for"

Me: "Okay, I just feel like a failure when I look at my sister Liz, who has three kids five and under, she watches other people's kids during the week and finds them fun activities to take part in, she's the young women's president, she finds the time to teach her kids amazingly.  Her five year old can read, ugh I just want to feel like that."

Dave: "Well she has had a lot more practice than you.  You'll get to the point where you're just a pro don't worry honey"

Me: "Okay"

After all that my amazing husband can do I came away from that conversation feeling even more overwhelmed.  I felt like such a failure.  I began to compare myself to all those other moms out there.  I have one friend who always looks perfect.  Hair done, makeup done, cute clothes...I can't even manage to get a shower some days much less actually do my hair.  I have another friend who is constantly making toys for her kids.  She made them a giant tv cut out so that they could do life size puppet shows. Who does that?

I thought more about my failures as a mommy for a few days and then called my sissy.  We chit chatted about our kids and then as if she knew I was hurting she asked,

"So, really, how are you doing?"

I broke down a little and admitted that I was overwhelmed and explained my envy of her and her amazing mommy super powers.  She listened and then chuckled a little bit and said something that really hit home to me.  Which, after all my digression, is why I am writing this post.  In case there are others out there who feel the same way I do. 

"Isn't it funny how you can look at someone else and just think that they have it all together?"

I thought on this and then started to argue my opinion of her super powers.  She stopped me short.  She explained her first year with Sarah.  Yes, she spent time teaching and playing and doing mommy things that enriched her life.  But she also allowed Sarah to watch a movie once in a while so that she could get things done.  She admitted to t.v. dinners and allowing her child to play on her own with some toys.  Play on her own? I never thought of that :) She then went on to tell me about how I am SO much crazier with Isabel than she was with Sarah.  What? That can't be! She went on to explain to me all the reasons why I am a good mother and why I should give myself a break.

After that conversation I felt SO MUCH BETTER!!!

So, what's my take away?  Cut myself a break.  It's okay to let my baby hang out with her toys on a blanket while I get some things done.  It's okay to occasionally throw on an episode of sesame street so that I can clean the toilets.  Most of all, it's okay that I'm not like any of those other moms out there.  We're all good at some things and not so good at others. But none of us are good at everything.

So, Angie...you make your kids home made toys and I won't envy you for being so creative.  I'll just smile at your ingenuity and find joy in your strengths.  Elise, you work it girl, and when I see you all perfect while in labor at the hospital I won't be jealous that you look perfect and instead I wore my shirt backwords for half the day before finally realizing it, and my baby is 4 months old :).  Liz, you be super mom and read separately to your three kids all while maintaining your household and blogging, and scrapbooking, and being a fabulous yw president and I won't flip out about not being as productive because I can revel in the fact that I'm so good at not dusting that my husband can leave me notes on my dresser.

At lease I can make cute babies right?

  I am pretty awesome ;)

The Power of Motherhood

Motherhood changes you.

You hear people talk about the changes that come over you when you become a mother but you never really understand it until it happens to you.  I've listened to women gush about their babies, their percentiles and other seemingly mundane details and thought to myself how boring it must be to be just a mother.  Otherwise, why would these previously amazingly accomplished, intelligent women be talking about such ordinary occurrences that surely every child achieves at some point in their lives.  I've thought about the career I would be giving up to become a mother.  The dreams that would have to be "sacrificed" to have a family.  Honestly, I mourned over the accomplishments that would be put on the wayside.  Don't get me wrong I've always wanted to be a mother and that is why the "sacrifice" was made.  But, I truly did not understand what power comes with Motherhood.

I've watched my own mother throughout the years and awed at her bizarre behavior.  Literally, the woman cries at everything.  I hated how emotional and overprotective she was is.  I wondered why it was so hard for her to follow through with punishment.  I never could understand why she could flip flop so suddenly when a decision was already made. Why did she grieve so intensely for the wayward choices of her children.  For weren't their choices only their own?  Surely she couldn't take their missteps upon herself.  I've grieved for her pain as she cries over her failures as a mother and wanted to make her understand that after everything she can do, we are all out in the world making our own decisions and mistakes.

Then, I became a Mother.

My eyes that once focused on money, career and status are now open to a world I never knew.  At first it was all just a whirlwind of keeping up with this little lump baby that needed to have a diaper change every twenty minutes, and eat every hour; fighting through exhaustion in order to meet the needs of this child that I so naively brought into this world.  I wondered when this all consuming love that I had heard so much about would finally set in.  It didn't happen all at once like the epiphany I'd expected, but as the fatigue subsided and I began to feel capable my love began to grow.  I started to feel a sense of pride in my little baby girl.

Then she smiled at me and my whole world changed.

I don't understand it.  I look at my daughter and my heart feels as though it could burst.  As she nurses I'm filled with thoughts of how I must change my life for the better because it is my privilege to be her example and guiding light.  As I read to her and see her wonder in new colors and books I am filled with amazement that she really is mine.  I am  reverenced in the beauty that is her complete innocence and stricken with the desire to ensure that innocence is maintained for as long as possible.  My heart has become bigger than I ever thought possible.

And the changes aren't just in regards to my daughter.

My whole perception of the world has changed.  Through my love for my daughter I finally understand the love of my heavenly Father.  I've tried my whole life to have compassion for others and some may argue that I am compassionate.  But I wasn't truly compassionate until I became a mother.  Until my eyes were opened to the love that I have for my child.  I can no longer help thinking, "what if that were my child".  Tears come readily to my eyes when I think of any pain that may befall my child and through the grief of just imagined possibilities I find a clearer understanding of the grief of others.  I find new meaning in the pleading to "mourn with those that mourn".  I feel as though I have begun to understand the meaning of this life for I would never understand the tender emotions of a mother if I hadn't been given the divine opportunity to be one.  I would never understand the love that my God has for me if I hadn't experienced that unconditional love that comes through motherhood.

Though I find myself crying over a song that plays on the radio, or the commercial that hits a little too close to home.  I am infinitely grateful to my heavenly Father who loves me enough to open my eyes wider that I ever thought possible.  Who teaches me through experience and allows me to fail so that I may grow.  Who entrusts his glorious heavenly sons and daughters to all us mothers for a time.  What greater calling could there be than to influence and nurture an innocent little child?

I am brought back to my pre-motherhood days and I finally understand.

My Mother cried over everything because she viewed the world through "what if it were my child" goggles.  I understand the agony that comes with second guessing every decision.  I understand the grief that will come when my child makes mistakes of her own and I wonder what I could have done differently to ensure her own grief will be minimal.  I understand the pride that comes through watching a miraculous little child learn and grow.  I understand that money, career and status are temporal aspirations; unimportant and  all that matters is my family and their happiness.  I understand the tragedy plaguing the world today and my heart mourns for my Savior and his pain suffered because of my sins.

Yes, my whole world has changed and I am eternally grateful to my Father in Heaven who has so lovingly changed me forever.

Isabel, the baby model

Recently our good friend Rich Peterson came to town and took Isabel's picture for us.  I know, I know every parent is biased about how dang cute their baby is...even if their baby is hideous.  But, seriously, Isabel makes the Gerber baby look like a dog.  ;)  Here are a few of my favs from her shoot.

Isabel's Favorite Sleeping Position

Isabel is such a funny girl.  For the first few weeks of her life I NEVER saw her sleeping without her mouth open.

Now that she's gotten a little older she has graduated to the arms stretched out sleeping position.  It's the cutest thing.

We just love her to pieces.

One Proud Daddy

Ever since I met Dave five years ago he's always talked about how much he wants to have a family of his own.  He's always said that he wants to have a whole bunch of kids and that he feels as if his calling on earth is to raise a good family.  I of course believed him but wondered how much of that was just a fantasy and how much he would really be willing to jump into once we actually had a family since in the past I've seen men proclaim their desire for a family and then pass the buck onto their wives once they actually have kids.

Then we had our baby girl and I saw Dave with her.  From the very first minute of her life he has been the picture of what a perfect Dad should be.  

The nurses at one point said, "Look at you all natural Daddy, I don't think I've ever seen a first time dad be so comfortable with his baby" and it's true.  You see the two of them together and know that they were supposed to be Father and Daughter. 

I read all about the importance of skin to skin contact early on but I was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was sleep while we were in the hospital.  Dave had no problem picking up the slack.  He changed EVERY diaper and spent hours with Isabel on his chest.

 He even changed her into her very first outfit

But the Daddy Whispering didn't end there.  Once we got home he burped her after every feeding and changed her diaper every time.  He rocked her to sleep with the Daddy bounce and read in his boy scout version of a Daddy book that swaddling and humming can be comforting to babies.  So he's now the master swaddler and it melts my heart when I see him carrying her around humming to her while her head rests easily in the crook of his neck.  I absolutely love to see her sleeping on Daddy's chest because she spreads her arms wide out and it looks like she's trying to hug him close and his eyes just twinkle in the joy that his little girl loves him.

Yep he's one proud Daddy and Isabel and I are lucky that we have such an amazing man in our lives that takes such good care of us.

Our Birth Story

I know this post is way past due but we've been busy adjusting to life with a newborn :)

My due date was Thursday 2/10/11 and the weeks leading up to it were fraught with braxton hicks contractions but absolutely no progression as far as dilation goes.  (isn't it weird that women can talk so freely about their cervix as long as it's related to child birth)  I went in for my 40 week appointment on my due date and was kindly told by my doc that we should wait another week and see where we were then since I was closed pretty tightly.  Yay, just what every overly pregnant woman wants to hear.  So, angrily, I left my appointment and went on with my day.  Later that evening I dropped my niece and nephew off with their Mom in Denver and started driving home when I noticed that I was having pretty regular contractions - 9 minutes apart.  I put Dave on alert and started regularly recording the start of every one.  By the time Dave got home around 10:00 p.m. they were every five minutes and starting to get pretty painful.  I didn't want to jump the gun since my doctor had told me not to come in until they were more like 2-3 mins apart, so around midnight we decided to go to Walmart and walk around.  And...try on some Iron Man masks.

Finally at about 2 a.m. Friday morning they were pretty close and very painful so we decided to go to labor and delivery.  Once we got there I was checked and told that I was only about 70% effaced and barely dilated to 1 cm.  I opted to walk for an hour and a half to see if I would progress at all while Dave passed out on a half bench in the hospital lobby :).  Went upstairs and got checked again...no progression.  By this time it was only an hour from when my ob was scheduled to come into the hospital so we decided to wait around for him to see if maybe he would "help" me along.

Dr. Yeh got there at 7 a.m. and informed me that I was going to be sent home since I had said previous to contractions that I did not want to be induced and because the risk of c-section was high since I wasn't dilated or effaced very much.  I cried but accepted that going home was the best thing for the baby.  Dave and I got home around 8:30 a.m. and I forced Dave to go into work since T-Mobile was having a huge weekend sale.  I promptly got into the tub to try and relax a little bit and try my hardest to get some sleep since apparently exhaustion isn't good for labor progression (who knew?)...I labored ALL day in the tub.  Literally I refilled the water like 10 times.  When I got out of the bath around 8 p.m. my skin looked like it was going to fall off and I had been having contractions 3-5 mins apart for more than 24 hours.  Dave got home later in the evening again because he had so much to do at work.  We were both exhausted from the sleepless night before so we decided to try to get some sleep.  Around 2 a.m. Saturday morning I couldn't take it any longer.  I had been pacing our bedroom for hours trying to get some kind of relief from the pain in my lower back.  I woke Dave up and told him we needed to go back to the hospital.  We got there and told the lady at the desk that I was in labor.  She then looked at my belly all snotty and asked how far along I was and then looked at me like I was out of my mind when I told her I was past due.  (This event was probably exacerbated by my in labor goggles - but whatever)  When the L&D nurse came down I told her that if I was going to get sent home again that I would like to get in and out as soon as possible - Dave had to work again Saturday and I didn't want him going two nights without sleep.  They monitored me for an hour and then informed me that I was in what they call "latent" labor.  Where I have actual labor contractions but my cervix is not progressing - although I was almost completely effaced at this point by still only 1 cm dilated.  They gave me a "sleeper" shot that had some kind of pain killer and sleep aid and sent me home.

At this point it was about 4 a.m. Saturday, I was exhausted...two nights without sleep and going on three days of continuous painful contractions.  I was hopeful that the shot would help me get some sleep so at least I wouldn't be a zombie when this kid finally decided to pop out.  Sadly, the sleeper shot failed miserably.  It did not take the pain away and it made me SUPER groggy.  Awesome.  At about 6 a.m. I couldn't lay in bed anymore because the contractions were so uncomfortable that I would moan through them and I just wanted Dave to be able to get some sleep so I got back into the tub.  :)  Labored in there until about 9 a.m. and then woke Dave up because I was tired of laboring alone.  The contractions were now so painful that I would feel them coming on and just lose it.  I couldn't stand unassisted and I would yell for Dave to run over to me and push as hard as he could on my lower back when they came on.  Apparently her head was really low and putting pressure on my spine which was causing terrible back labor.  I was struggling with the decision to go back to the hospital, again, because I didn't want to go in just to get sent home again.  But I was in so much pain that I didn't know how much longer I could handle it.  Finally at 1 p.m. I told Dave I couldn't take it anymore and that we were going to have to go back to the hospital and demand that they induce me.  We did and when we got there I could no longer walk through contractions, I just had to hold onto Dave and cry.  I know, I sound like a total woos but I'm not!  It really hurt that bad! :)   Dave kindly told the L&D nurse that she was going to have to call Dr. Yeh and tell him that we were not leaving and that he was just going to have to come in and induce me.  The nurse was really nice and took us straight into a delivery room (instead of the stupid "triage" room) and checked me - again.  As she was checking me she said, "Yep, your cervix is paper thin" which is what the nurse the night before had said when she sent us home.  Dave and I sighed and looked at each other with despair because we were sure that I wasn't progressing.  Then she went on to say, "And...I would say you're about a five"

Words cannot describe the feeling of relief that swept over Dave and me.  Now, I was no longer facing an indeterminate amount of time with these contractions.  Now, I could relax with the comfort that I would get to see my baby soon.  Now, I wasn't wondering when the next time I was going to be able to sleep would be.  I cried in joy that I was almost done with this whole labor thing.  Originally I thought I would try to do delivery without an epidural but seeing as I had just labored for three days I was ready for some relief.  They had the epidural in within an hour of arrival and I was shouting praises to the anesthesiologist. The last contraction I felt had me gripping onto the bed rail trying to keep the volume down on my "ow's" and squeezing my eyes tightly shut because my eyesight was blacking out through contractions and it really freaked me out.

After the epidural kicked in it was smooth sailing from there.  I got some much needed rest and sometime around 7:45 I was complete, Dr. Yeh arrived and said it was time to start pushing.  He warned us that first timers with an epidural usually push for 2-3 hours so to take it slow because it was going to be a marathon.  I started "practice" pushing just so they could see how effective it would be and immediately screamed at me to stop.  I was confused at why I needed to stop, wasn't this the part where you're not supposed to stop?  They explained that they weren't expecting the pushing to go so quickly and they needed to get the bed ready.  Oh...okay my bad. :)  Once they were ready I started pushing again and she was out in two contractions.  8:07 p.m. I held my little princess for the first time.

I was so excited to be done!  One of my biggest fears going into delivery was that I would poo in front of every one...so when she was out I exclaimed, "I didn't even poop!" Dave patted me in embarrassment and kindly shh'd me.  I was all, "Oh, did I poop?" The nurse reassured me that I didn't poop and at the time I couldn't figure out why Dave would be embarrassed by my exclamation.  Now, I understand. :)

Isabel was healthy from the beginning she scored a 9, 10 on her APGAR, which is apparently very rare in Colorado since the altitude makes it hard for babies to get enough oxygen right at first.  Yes, she's a rock star...j/k.  She weighed in at 7 lbs. 0.5 oz. and was 19.6" long.  She nursed for over an hour right away and has been such an amazing girl ever since.  We feel so blessed to have her in our lives and I would go through that labor over and over again if it meant that I would always get her at the end of it. :)