The Conversation

Pertinent  Background Information

Have you ever really wanted to talk about something with someone but were too afraid to broach the subject?

Well, This. Is. Me.

Confrontation is something that I do not do well at all.

Sadly, this fear that I have overflows into my relationships in a negative way.  I find myself holding things in until, like the last drop in an overly full cup of water, everything just overflows.  I break down, which usually entails crying and sometimes includes unintelligible squawking at whomever finds themselves unlucky enough to have contributed that last tiny drop to my overly full cup.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of voicing my thoughts.  I don't think that it will cause people to shun me from their lives.  Or maybe, subconsciously, I do and therefor hold it all in.  Anyway, this habit of mine had been eating away at me and finally I could no longer hold in my feelings.  Hence, the dreaded, "Conversation".

Poor Dave, he never sees it coming.  Before he knows it, his wife unleashes at least a couple months of crazy on him, all in one night.  I'm amazed at how smoothly he maneuvers through those stormy waters.  Let's just say, I'm a lucky girl.

The Lead up to "The Conversation"

If you ask Dave what his purpose is here on Earth, he'll promptly tell you that it's to raise a family.  If you then proceed to ask how many kids he sees in his future he'll also promptly tell you, eight.  That's right, eight.  We've discussed this number in detail and he's expressed understanding in that I'm the one who has to carry these children, and give birth, and all that entails being a mother.  He has graciously conceded the decision of number to me.  But, being a loving wife I want to do all in my power to make sure that my husband feels fulfilled and satisfied.  That being said, I know that my husband can't be fulfilled and satisfied if his wife is a mess because there are too many kids running around. :)


Before we had kids I thought, "yeah, eight kids is a lot.  But, I'll be a stay-at-home mom.  It'll be no big deal."

Then I had Isabel.

She is amazing.  She has changed my life for the better in so many ways.  I cannot imagine going one day without seeing her sweet little face.  She's also so. much. work! and mommy guilt is so all encompassing.  It seems that I can never do enough to satiate this incessant nagging voice in my head.  The day comes to an end and my mind is filled with thoughts like: I didn't read enough to her today, shoot...I didn't do enough tummy time with her today, I don't feel like I played with her enough, does she know I love her, I shouldn't have gotten frustrated when she woke up for the third time in the night, I really should be doing more to make sure that she is stimulated enough, I should find a way to get her to take naps in a location other than her swing...etc.  I finally come to the resolve that I will just have to do better tomorrow, since it is a new day.  But, then I find myself right back in the same train of thought as the previous night.  I did spend more time with Isabel, but now I have no clean diapers to put on her and all her jammies are in the dirty clothes, and Dave doesn't have clean socks or work pants, and the dishes aren't done and the furniture is so dusty that Dave can write, "Dust Me" on them.  :)

It. Is. Exhausting.

All this "mommy guilt" led me to start up a conversation with Dave and it went a little something like this:

Me: "Honey, I don't think I can handle a bunch of kids"

Dave: "Babe, I KNOW you can handle a bunch of kids, you're a great mom"

Me: "But honey, I'm really overwhelmed"

"You don't seem overwhelmed"

"Okay...but I'm telling you I'm overwhelmed.  I never have enough time to do all the things I would like to do.  If I spend enough time with Isabel, to feel like I'm being a good mom, then I don't get the house clean or really anything else done.  If I get stuff done then I feel like I'm being a bad mom.  I feel like I don't have a moment to myself"

Dave: "You need to give yourself a break.  You work really hard, you are a great mom.  You can't do everything and even though our house isn't as clean as I would like it to be if we had visitors come stay, it's clean enough. and I feel like you're the best mom and wife that I could have ever asked for"

Me: "Okay, I just feel like a failure when I look at my sister Liz, who has three kids five and under, she watches other people's kids during the week and finds them fun activities to take part in, she's the young women's president, she finds the time to teach her kids amazingly.  Her five year old can read, ugh I just want to feel like that."

Dave: "Well she has had a lot more practice than you.  You'll get to the point where you're just a pro don't worry honey"

Me: "Okay"

After all that my amazing husband can do I came away from that conversation feeling even more overwhelmed.  I felt like such a failure.  I began to compare myself to all those other moms out there.  I have one friend who always looks perfect.  Hair done, makeup done, cute clothes...I can't even manage to get a shower some days much less actually do my hair.  I have another friend who is constantly making toys for her kids.  She made them a giant tv cut out so that they could do life size puppet shows. Who does that?

I thought more about my failures as a mommy for a few days and then called my sissy.  We chit chatted about our kids and then as if she knew I was hurting she asked,

"So, really, how are you doing?"

I broke down a little and admitted that I was overwhelmed and explained my envy of her and her amazing mommy super powers.  She listened and then chuckled a little bit and said something that really hit home to me.  Which, after all my digression, is why I am writing this post.  In case there are others out there who feel the same way I do. 

"Isn't it funny how you can look at someone else and just think that they have it all together?"

I thought on this and then started to argue my opinion of her super powers.  She stopped me short.  She explained her first year with Sarah.  Yes, she spent time teaching and playing and doing mommy things that enriched her life.  But she also allowed Sarah to watch a movie once in a while so that she could get things done.  She admitted to t.v. dinners and allowing her child to play on her own with some toys.  Play on her own? I never thought of that :) She then went on to tell me about how I am SO much crazier with Isabel than she was with Sarah.  What? That can't be! She went on to explain to me all the reasons why I am a good mother and why I should give myself a break.

After that conversation I felt SO MUCH BETTER!!!

So, what's my take away?  Cut myself a break.  It's okay to let my baby hang out with her toys on a blanket while I get some things done.  It's okay to occasionally throw on an episode of sesame street so that I can clean the toilets.  Most of all, it's okay that I'm not like any of those other moms out there.  We're all good at some things and not so good at others. But none of us are good at everything.

So, Angie...you make your kids home made toys and I won't envy you for being so creative.  I'll just smile at your ingenuity and find joy in your strengths.  Elise, you work it girl, and when I see you all perfect while in labor at the hospital I won't be jealous that you look perfect and instead I wore my shirt backwords for half the day before finally realizing it, and my baby is 4 months old :).  Liz, you be super mom and read separately to your three kids all while maintaining your household and blogging, and scrapbooking, and being a fabulous yw president and I won't flip out about not being as productive because I can revel in the fact that I'm so good at not dusting that my husband can leave me notes on my dresser.

At lease I can make cute babies right?

  I am pretty awesome ;)